


I'm not going to run away from you

by My_Evak_Heart



Series: Crisana [5]
Category: SKAM (Spain)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 03:03:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19123267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Evak_Heart/pseuds/My_Evak_Heart
Summary: Joana tells Cris what happened and why she is at the hospital





	I'm not going to run away from you

This morning, waking up beside Joana felt different.

Unlike the last time, they didn't wake up at noon to the sound of birds chirping outside Cris's window and the quietness of the appartement but to a nurse bringing pills for Joana to take at 8am.

Feeling that Joana wasn't entirely comfortable talking about her mental illness, Cris got up and made up an excuse to go to the bathroom, letting Joana alone with the nurse and giving her privacy.

The blonde wandered down the halls, sighing frustratedly when the coffee machine wouldn't work. How was she supposed to get through the day without caffeine?

During the long drive to the hospital the night before, Cris had been super anxious and nervous, worried and fearing that Joana had done something stupid. And, by the cryptic way Joana's mom had said that it would be best if Joana told her herself, it made Cris anxious.

When Joana's mom had called her, Cris had been shocked. To her, it didn't make sense because hours ago they were texting and flirting on Whatsapp and now, Joana was at the hospital.

 _What happened? Did Joana harm herself?_  According to what Cris had read online, self harm - and suicide - is common with people who have BPD.

''How do you feel this morning?'' Cris asked, sitting beside Joana after the nurse had left.

Joana offered her a small smile, intertwining their fingers together. ''Better now that you're here.''

Cris rolled her eyes but smiled. Could she be more cheesy?

The purple haired girl pulled Cris down for a kiss that turned into kissing Cris's whole face.

''You scared me, last night,'' Cris admitted, breaking the mood. ''I was running around my room frantically after your mom called me and gave me the address. My heart was racing and I immediately thought the worse...''

''Hey,'' Joana cooed, trying to reassure her girlfriend. ''I'm okay.''

Cris pulled away, narrowing her eyes. ''You don't go to the hospital when you're okay, Joana. Something was up, something happened yesterday and I understand if you don't want to tell me or if you don't trust me enough to tell me. We've known each other for less than two months, it's okay if you don't trust me with this part of yourself. It's very personal and I get it but, I want you to know that you  _can_ trust me. I'm not going to blab about you to the whole school, if that's what you're scared.''

Joana looked down, biting her lip anxiously. ''You should run while you still can. I'm a lot to handle, Cris, and you deserve so much better than me. You don't need a burden like me in your life.''

''You're  _not_  a burden.'' Cris pushed a piece of Joana's hair behind her ear, freeing her face. ''If you were, I wouldn't have asked my brother to drive me here in the middle of the night.''

Unless you were in Joana's shoes, it was almost impossible to understand her and the way she felt about herself. Ever since she got diagnosed, Joana has struggled to accept her mental illness. She hates being forced to live with this 'condition' for the rest of her life. She hates having these constant ups and downs all the time and how she's always overreacting and snapping at people. She's also very impulsive which gets her into delicate situations like kissing Cris while still dating Eloy...or running out of a bar without paying. 

She felt bad for her parents who were obligated to put up with her and her turmoils of emotions and whom sometimes got hurt in the way.

Joana could hardly stand herself; how could anyone stand her? No wonder all her friends left her after she got diagnosed.

Despite all the outs Joana had given Cris, despite all the time she pushed her away, the blonde came back and Joana couldn't understand why she was staying. She called her a slut and said pretty hurtful things to her two weeks ago yet, she's here, sitting with her on this hospital bed. 

''Why do you have to make my life so difficult, Cris? Why can't you just go and stay away from me? Life would be so much easier.''

''Easier for you or for me? Because all the days I've spent without you have been anything but easier. I was a mess without you, barely eating and sleeping, always a crying, sad mess. You can ask Amira if you don't believe me, she's been the one to pick up the pieces.''

''What are you scared of, Joana? And, don't say nothing because we both know that's a big fat lie.''

Joana sighed, biting down her bottom lip. ''I...My biggest fear is that eventually you'll see me the way I see myself. I'm not someone that's lovable. I'm a fucking Kinder Surprise and, most of the time, it's not the good kind.''

A part of Cris wanted to make a joke about how she loved chocolate but it wasn't the time to crack jokes. It was a dark confession and shouldn't be taken lightly. From the outside, Joana comes off as this flirty and confident girl but, on the inside, she's insecure and always thinking low about herself.

Cris took Joana's hands in hers and kissed her knuckles. ''You're  _not_  an ugly person, Joana Bianchi, okay? Bad days happen to everyone. It's okay to be moody and pissy sometimes. But, like you said, we have to focus on the good days like the pool, our day at the park, or our weekend together.''

Joana sighed. ''I wish I could go back to that weekend, everything was much simpler.''

''Maybe it was, but it's the tough things life throw at us that makes us grow both as a person and as a couple. It's the tough things we go through that makes us stronger, it's what makes us...us.'' A small smile tugged at Joana's lips as she listened to her girlfriend. ''Your mental illness is a part of you but it doesn't define who you are. You're still the same Joana.''

Joana fell against Cris, hooking her chin over her shoulder as they hugged. No one had ever said things like that to her and, for the first time, Joana felt  _accepted_ and  _loved_  by someone who wasn't her parents.

''Yesterday I had a fight with my parents. We shouted at each other and I told them that I hated them and that they were too controlling. And, out of frustration and anger, I told them I was going to kill myself...and I almost did. I tried and I failed.''

Cris held Joana tighter against her, water filling her blue eyes. She felt Joana bury her face in her neck, small, tattooed arms coming around her middle. 

 


End file.
